I personally hate those questionnaires they give you when you go to the doctor. You know – the one they give after you’ve checked in and they send you back to your seat with it? With the little pencil?
See me, I treat them like busy work.
Now this is ridiculous. Why do they need to know all of this? They doing too much. 😩
Do YOu hAVE, OR hAve You Ever haD AnY Of The FoLloWiNG:
Asthma? Diabetes? Liver problems? Brain problems? Baby daddy problems? (read: you done asked everything damn else)
Nah. I don’t have any of that. Yall know what I’m here for. Just give me my Genvoya prescription so I can get out of here. Yall weird.
THEN, I come across the question that reads:
How many times have you been pregnant in total?
Duhhhh! I have one child, so the only answer that makes sense is once. TF 🙄
But sometimes things don’t make sense.
Let me erase this check mark that I scribbled all hastily and walk in my truth.
November 2017, I found out I was pregnant for only the second time in my 29 years of life.
This was like music to my ears and fireworks to my eyes as I watched that 2nd line appear on all 5 of the pregnancy tests we had run out to buy.
Now Zion, my only child, was 6 years old at this time. He had been begging for a sibling but I hadn’t figured that part out yet. I couldn’t tell my child that I couldn’t give him a brother or sister right now because the guy I was dealing with didn’t want to catch HIV. And I sure as hell couldn’t tell him that it was all his father’s fault because if his daddy would have done right, he probably would have been the eldest of our goof troop.
But these sore breasts, missing period, and positive pregnancy tests meant that my baby’s dreams were about to come true! Watch. Give us 9 months and Zion would finally feel this bond with someone who shared the same womb as he.
We made one of those cute little reveal videos, too. It was cute. As Zion held the positive pregnacy test in his hand, I explained to him that I had his baby brother or baby sister growing in my belly. Our living room was filled with so much love and joy that night.
And then it happened. I started bleeding.
<insert black hole depression>
December 2017, I began losing that baby. I couldn’t stop it. I tried to talk to my lower belly to encourage it to stay. I tried to talk to God and promised that if He let me keep this one I wouldn’t ask nothing else of Him. I tried to put myself on bedrest.
If I have to stop my whole life until this child gets here, that’s just what it is and what it’s going to be.
In reality, I was only pregnant for a few weeks. The baby didn’t even resemble one yet. I know this for a fact as I witnessed the clot pass on December 31, 2017.
I was so angry. I was hurt. I was devastated. I was in disbelief.
God, now you know how hard it was for me to come across another man that was willing to take a chance with me. WHY would you do this to ME? Oh, since I have HIV I should just be happy with the one you let me have? I was supposed to stay with the people that mistreated me because they were willing to have unprotected sex with me? If I wasn’t positive, I would probably still be married cus I wouldn’t have married HIM in the first place. I mean, I’m cute and I know how to take care of a home. Look at me. Damaged goods. Why You still got me here anyways? O. Cus I have Zion? He doesn’t need me. He didn’t even need me at birth. My breast milk would have harmed him. Just like then, somebody else can do it.
SNAP OUT OF IT CI CI!
Tip: Negative self-talk picks up speed real fast. Don’t give it momentum.
See. THIS is why perception is key.
Maybe that miscarriage was a blessing in my life. Maybe that miscarriage enticed changes that I wouldn’t have made without experiencing it.
MAYBE, just maybe, I’m winning because I had parts in creating an angel. 👼🏾
What not to do: Do NOT only see the bad in a situation. Look for the silver lining. It might not be sterling but rather a thin sheet of aluminum foil. Nonetheless, it’s there.
+ Ci Ci +
I will go first. 