Foodie

Most of my life, I have had this really unhealthy relationship with food.

I never thought of it as an eating disorder though.

Partially because the ridicule and mockery from outsiders never afforded for that.

It seems to always be amounted to some lack of self-love or laziness.

But this doesn’t feel like that.

I AM pregnant.

But that doesn’t seem to be a large enough of an excuse for me to be going in, in the ways that I have been going in.

Just the other day, I noticed it.

In the moment.

I was sad. Overwhelmed with emotions.

So I grabbed a box of cereal.

Apple Jacks to be specific.

And I just started munching.

After a while, I noticed that the crunching and the constant jaw movements was enough to drown out everything I was feeling in the moment.

The sadder I got … the darker the thought …

The bigger the handful got that I jabbed into my mouth.

Only to be accompanied by thoughts of how unhealthy this had to be.

And how, I’m probably digging myself into a deeper hole because the extra weight isn’t going to make me feel any better.

Now or later.

But that wasn’t enough to make me put the box down.

You know what was enough?

When the box was empty.

When I was left with nothing but the sugar pieces at the bottom that I refuse to eat because, you know –

Diabetes.

The thinking is irrational.

Some would say sabotaging.

Tip: We all have distracting behaviors.

But for me, eating helps me cope – in the moment.

Please know that when you happen to see me on an episode of My 600 Pound Life or some shit.

I didn’t get there because I didn’t care.

I was just trying to escape some emotions and thoughts that wouldn’t go no where.

What not to do: Don’t try to eat your way out of it. The problems will still exist.

Since today is a new day, I’m going to try something different.

Cus, maybe food isn’t my way out.

Maybe it’s here.

In my feelings.

In this blog.

Where I can articulate these feelings and emotions.

So they don’t eat me alive.

+Ci Ci+