Push, coast

It’s something about right here that I can chill.

This is mine.

This is my healing.

My loud way of clearing my insides.

It’s not always pretty.

And it surely ain’t always polished.

I mean, that’s pretty much me in a nutshell.

Right now, I’m not feeling pretty.

My insides feel scrambled.

I know, I know –

I gotta keep pushing, no excuses type shit.

That’s all good and whatever.

But I’ve pushed through poverty.

And I’ve pushed through single-mama hood.

I’ve pushed through school.

And pushed through doubles at work so I could pay my rent.

I’ve pushed through loss.

I’ve pushed through COVID.

I think I even pushed my car one time when it ran out of gas.

I’ve pushed two babies out of my vagina.

Pushed pills down my throat so I can stay undetectable.

I’ve pushed thoughts to the back of my head.

I be pushing the people I love to push more for themselves.

Hell, I’ve even managed to push myself to the side.

… all of that to say …

I’m tired of fucking pushing.

I want to coast.

I wanna child

However, comma, life doesn’t give up.

Jawn is relentless.

So:

You better coast your ass in that kitchen and wash them dishes.

And after that coast your ass to that breast pump cus Zuri Buri Baby Girl gives zero fucks about your feelings.

Coast right on into the 3rd Zoom call in a row, for the 3rd day in the row.

You can coast, skip, walk your behind to the supermarket.

And you best coast to the gas station before you be pushing that car again.

… all of that to say …

Sometimes I literally have to talk myself through this shit.

All of this pushing and coasting mess is exhausting.

But to be honest, I understand that’s how I’m still here.

A little tug of war.

A bunch of emotion.

A few bends.

And stuff still be getting done.

I’m a firm believer in taking a whole bunch of small steps to get where I’m going.

But then I get impatient and discouraged and shit.

And that is so unfair.

How you on your way to where you going and you still mad?

Tip: That’s stupid.

… all of that to say …

I’m going at my own pace.

Because this is mine.

My healing.

My journey.

My story.

What not to do: Don’t be the one to count yourself out.

So yea, imma push.

But I’m also gone coast when I need to.

Cus otherwise, imma be the next one out of gas.

And there would be no one to push me.

+Ci Ci+