Thinking that everyone has the same heart or consciousness as you can inevitably lead to roads of sorrow and regret. Don’t I know this now all too well!?! 😑
At some point, we were all kids, with only the concept of simple emotions like anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Nothing too complicated.
Have you ever thought about a specific time when you first felt a stronger, deeper emotion such as regret? Well, hell I do.
I opened my eyes, after allowing the stream of regret and sadness to well up behind my eyelids. In those moments I tried to hold onto all of the prior memories of what is was like to be HIV negative.
raw penis that felt like silk to my insides,
AND the ability to be with whoever wanted to be with me,
HELL, BYE BYE the thought of ever having a fucking family.
Alright now. So I’m sitting here in this cold ass room, in the back of this nasty ass health department, sitting across from this nurse who could have chosen a different type of smile for this occasion (cus them pursed lips ain’t it sis).
<insert a whole HEAP of regret here> 😩😩
So as I’m trying to figure out why I’m sitting in this little makeshift office anyways and not in one of the rooms in the front, closer to the exit – my senses start tingling. Just then, this older white man walks into my verdict hearing. This aint the doctor. I know the doctor. Come on, this is Baldwin County. Everybody knows everybody. Who tf is this? 😒
As he takes a seat, I read his name tag which said something like Northeast Georgia Department of Health (or some other damning entity synonymous with something going awry).
It’s me, him, and this nurse now all sitting in this room ALL cus I came here a week ago to get some darn birth control. Something. Ain’t. Right. 🧐
So the nurse finally decides to let some air in between them tight ass lips to say:
Your gonorrhea, syphilis, and herpes all came back negative. But your HIV came back positive.
LIKE WHAT IN THE A.F. DID THIS LADY JUST SAY TO ME? Northeast, SHE TALKING TO YOU BRUH?
(The rest of this visit will have to be posted at a different time because that was a whole situation in itself. Just know that when I walked out of there, I literally felt like I was going to die. Hopeless).
Now, I will leave this health department a different specimen. Everyone probably already knows what they told me back there. Hell, all the people in the lobby probably came to watch my walk of shame. They had come to witness my lynching. Fuck this. I’m going home.
Now I have to relive all of those one-night stands and bad decisions I had made in my mere 5 years of being sexually active. Have to face the times that I said no to a condom. Whoa. This is too much!
I mean, I could act like none of this ever happened and smother this fire burning between my legs. Backspace backspace backspace.
To whom a lot is given a lot is required. Or some shit like that. Well God, you know I ain’t got shit. So what I’m supposed to do with that?
Tip: Sometimes in anger, we can start to look at God sideways. Don’t do it! He ain’t forgot you. When you look back and see what He’s done for you, you stand in more regret. I apologize 🙌🏾
Perception is key. And I ain’t sick.
What not to do: Don’t give up just because your life has been painted differently than what you knew before. Grab a different brush and start stroking! 🖌
+ Ci Ci +
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