Don’t judge me

So I go into these small stints of sadness.

I can’t even explain to you exactly what it looks like but I can acknowledge when they arrive.

It goes a little something like:

* not bathing days at a time

I KNOW that is nasty. And it’s not the feminine way but I can’t help it.

I have to drag myself out of bed and just show up.

Whether that is to my therapist appointment or to assist a family member to one of theirs.

Neither of which would require my hygiene to be up to par.

By the end of the day, I’ve catered to everyone else BUT Ci Ci.

* eating everything in sight

I dunno.

When I don’t feel my best, I tend to give up on myself.

It doesn’t usually last forever, which is why my weight tends to fluctuate the way that it does.

Sometimes I’m happier than at others.

I guess you could say it’s an inverse relationship that I am no too proud about.

* fixating my focus on certain areas in an attempt to avoid other ones

Oooo. The house is on fire?


I will focus my attention on the garden in the backyard.

I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes …

Fuck that house.

You know?

I dunno.

I will be the first to admit that I am still a work in progress.

I grow everyday.

Some days that growth is a step backwards and feels like failure.

And sometimes that’s where I get stuck.

I can’t see the triumph yet.

Tip: Remember, just because our eyes can’t see it yet doesn’t mean that the victory isn’t there.

I am human.

I am a human living with the human immunodeficiency virus


I am no different than anyone else who has those days …

… those days

… those weeks.

The ones full of uncertainty and whatever else comes with it.

What not to do: Don’t beat yourself for being there.

Try your best to get out.

Look to community for motivation.

Feed off of that energy.

Look for that rainbow because it’s there.

I promise.

I’m looking for mine right now and I don’t mind you searching with me.

Cus it’s gotta be out here some where.

+ Ci Ci +