Heavy on the self love

Like many other people, I struggle with my body image.

I fix my eating habits for a little while and spend time in the gym and to nobody’s surprise – I start losing weight.

But then, usually, something happens which throws me off.

And I have the tendency to stay there for a little while.

That is, until I decide to pick myself back up again and do what I need to do.

But what about the mean time and in-between time?

These are some of the hardest.

I begin internally beating myself up for still not reaching the weight goal I set for myself when I was like 17.

It was Beyoncé’s body in that Destiny’s Child video for Soldier.

That’s what I wanted to get to.

I did all the calculations.

If I starve myself for some time, I should be able to kick some of this weight.

Or what if I throw up all of my food after I eat?

That might work.

And then I begin to beat myself up more for not working on a solution to my problem.

Cus I was hungry.

And I wanted to eat.

But that made me even more sad because, to me, if I ate –

I would NEVER have Beyoncé’s body.

And boy, what a sad life that would be.

That is, until I get to a reached a point of fuck it.

Like, for real, at some point you have to just attack those negative thoughts head on with a positive one.

Tip: Light can’t live with dark.

At some point I had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be shaped like most of the women we see on TV.

Hell, half of them ain’t even shaped like that for real for real.

I’m shaped like Ci Ci.

Ci muthafucking Ci.

And that’s what it’s gone be.

And that’s love.

What not to do: Don’t fall victim to comparing yourself with the next person.

I’ve learned to stop chasing what other people got.

And to start going after what is mine.

Mine might look a little different than yours.

And yours might look a little different than mine.

And that will always be ooooooo k.

+Ci Ci+