Giving up

Sometimes I want to give up.

And in my thoughts, it manifests in so many different ways.

Do I like give up, give up?

Like stop taking my meds and just let man-made nature have its way with me?

Or do I kinda give up and go seek something stronger than marijuana?

And see if that will allow me to escape the feelings I don’t want to feel?

Them people on K&A don’t seem like the feel shit!

Do I give up on the life I have now and desert it for a new beginning?

Do I stay in bed all day and say fuck the world and its responsibilities?

Do I sabotage everything I have going on, so I can blame my demise on you and not me?

No, no, no, no, no!

See, my head be doing too much.

I have to redirect those thoughts.

I have to paint in my mind that giving up isn’t even an option.

Cus if I give it an inch, my head is gone take the whole damn mile.

So, no.

I don’t want to give up.

I want things to be different.

I want to not feel the way that I do.

I want to experience happiness – like the movies.

All that fantasy shit be making it real hard to accept the reality of REAL life experiences.

I want to keep going but in a different way.

And this is the deliberate decision I have to make on a daily, momentarily basis.

Cus if I don’t, the other part of my mind will always try and make it seem like things would just be better if I gave up.

She’s such a bitch.

Tip: It helps me to refer to myself in 3rd person. For some reason, I can see it better when it ain’t me.

But I have to love her too.

Cus, somehow, I think she’s only trying to protect me from what I don’t know yet.

But she’s gotta sit down and stfu.

What not to do: Try not to entertain those negative thoughts for too long. It’s a trap.

Cus giving up ain’t even an option.

Maybe for somebody else.

But not us.

We got too much shit to do.

+ Ci Ci +